This might be a hard topic for many to read about and I’m not by any means taking this lightly and just writing about this without realizing that every second someone decides to do harm to the body. If you are one of these people who are struggling or know someone that is dealing with extreme thoughts or ideas, please take this seriously and consider finding help.
I am just sharing my experience, which is all that I have and can share with you to perhaps give you some kind of deeper understanding.
This word, suicide, brings with it a lot of emotions, and mental dialogue in each of us. Most people are uncomfortable talking about death as it is, and then bring in this word, suicide – which is the desire to injury oneself in the intent to cause death, and things get real quite quick. People in the general public will most likely assume there is a problem with you right away, if you ever bring up such a topic, even just to contemplate because this idea makes them extremely uneasy and unsure of what to do, so they rather would just run away.
We like to think, why would anyone think this way? Or, we look at the person’s life and assume that since they have physical possessions and some outwardly accomplishments, they are living a life that doesn’t warrant such ideas. As if some people can have these thoughts, while others should not. Of course, if you are living in grim external situations, like no food, shelter, love, and on top of that being abused, then the tendency is greater to want to end your life. Which is unfortunately a sad reality for many, even in a world where there is plenty for all if sharing was actually not just a word we like to emphasize to children, but a concept we acted upon as adults.
The fact is though, that it’s not just people who have nothing that have these ideas, it’s often times the opposite, it’s people who have everything, because they no longer can hide behind the facade of their mind spinning fantasies that they will be happy when…. They are miserable now and they have the whole world, but in actuality, they are just living on the surface thinking it’s the essence.
In the West, many average people have these thoughts, if they admit it or not, and it is quite normal to do so. Why wouldn’t you question if being alive is worth it? Especially once you have all that you need for survival taken care of, and all you are ever really doing is chasing “better” survival, while deluding yourself that you are actually living? And, when society constantly reiterates that looks, possessions, and achievements are what actually matter, and when those don’t always go according to plan, which is practically the case for every human adult most of the time, things can get dark real quick.
Yet, many people will just tell you to just try harder, or just think positive thoughts as if that really works, or refer you to pills you should take to numb your thinking and feeling, or just do what the average person is doing, which is suppressing or distracting themselves with the countless of addictions that are possible within every domain; work, food, sex, entertainment, you name it! Are those solutions? Perhaps temporary, but lurking in the shadows is what you push away, and even if it’s dormant for sometime, it is always there even if you pretend it is not. Try getting good rest when you don’t know yourself, and are afraid of yourself, it’s almost impossible and much of the world today is sleep deprived.
Why am I even speaking about this, its because I’ve had multiple times where I wished I was dead, even with all my outwardly success. I remember one time I was at an airport going somewhere and just hoped the plane that I was on would just crash and put me out of my misery (I mean I’m glad it didn’t, especially more so for the sake of the other passengers) or I’d be driving and think why doesn’t someone just hit me or I lose control, it happens all the time on the news. I always wanted it to just happen to me, I was tired of not living life how I wanted to because of fear, or when I was trying really hard and the results never really came compared to what I seen from others. I just felt like I was not in control and life was just pushing me around, and thoughts were always so negative. It was as if I was always fighting a demon inside while also navigating the external world without getting any substantial results or at least not by my control and to my expectations.
If people knew this was the case, they would probably bring out the straight jacket, take me to the asylum, and “cure me” with all sorts of medication for such thoughts and feelings. Fortunately for me this didn’t happen, and I also didn’t kill myself. But, the death did happened, it wasn’t a physical one though because there was no need for that, it was the death of the false self, the self that is illusory. You might be thinking, what an idiot, who falls for such a thing? Yet, believe it or not, for much of the world today, it is the illusory self that they are operating from, while thinking they are living in reality.
Looking back now, during these dark moments I was just always captured in my mind, trapped in it’s delusions. It was always “my life” sucks because of this or that. Not realizing that the “my life” was the problem, I was trying to control life which is why I couldn’t. This delusion our mind creates of controlling life is the problem, then we suffer in the fantasies it creates, which are always just added layers on top of life, but feel super real when you are stuck there and they are linked with feelings and emotions and you don’t know that there is a different way to experience life, since society mostly just teaches you how to manipulate the world and not how to touch what is fundamental.
I decided to share this because I’m hear to tell you this isn’t something you need to run away from if it’s happening to you, or think that your the only one in this boat. Your external situation will be different, and it will feel like nobody maybe gets you, but the culprit is much the same, it’s the mind. It’s a wackjob and it has taken control over “your” life, well it think it has, but it’s not the case and it’s possible to realize this and because of it have a transformation that is totally unexpected. I will also tell you why its a stupid idea to go ahead and do harm to the body.
This is because You (True You) aren’t what you think you are, and suffering is because like many, You were/are dooped into believing something that isn’t true, and that is that you are just this body and mind. With suicide, all you would be doing is ending a form because its not behaving how you (mind created you) would like, which is just a mind delusion that can be awakened from like a nightmare in sleep. It will be uncomfortable, but your already uncomfortable with the idea of who you are, so why not at least try and question Who You Are Fundamentally? (This is a practice that can possibly help uncover something within)
In the extremes, some people just can’t take being in the form and circumstances they are in and unfortunately the outside world isn’t always so fair and will add fuel to the fire. But every form has its unique challenges, many forms might feel as if they have greater challenges. From your mind view it will appear as if this is so, but LIFE just is and if you can see it outside the mind for a brief moment, it can help give understanding and a brief separation from what you are not.
This human is a super sophisticated form, with a mind that can do many complex things, and one of it’s main ways of operating is by projecting layers on top of what is fundamental, on top of ACTUAL LIFE. It even creates a character that makes You believe you are. You aren’t this character, You are LIFE in it’s most fundamental, but so many layers have been added that neither you or others know this is the case anymore. Its not your fault you can’t handle it, it’s very complicated and in our world today we don’t teach people how the mind and body operates because most people don’t know themselves, and therefore they haven’t realized that understanding oneself is vital to living with LIFE. We instead are just manipulating reality, we do this individually and collectively, and as a society we favor certain forms and create the world to revolve around them, while leaving other forms to struggle to partake in the systems that we created. These outcast forms then have a harder time to thrive in the man-made world. This is all improving as life kicks us in the butt no matter what, and lets us know that we aren’t in control and things must change, but humans seem to usually go into change while kicking and screaming so it’s not the most efficient.
Once you understand the fundamental then manipulate all you want, It’s fun, but right now its the opposite, you are so far removed from the Fundamental that you don’t know what is REAL and that place can be scary, leaving you wanting to cause harm, whether it’s to someone else, or yourself.
You are beautifully perfect how You came, even if you don’t look like other people or act like them. And this journey will be challenging, but if You connect to the depth that resides within, You can actually see what I am trying to point to with these words, and have the needed experience that is necessary for this amazing transformation.